Love...

I feel as though I'm not something of importance to you. I've been calling and texting you all day(not a ridiculous amount honestly). And I thought you're sleeping that's why you didn't reply. Only to find out you've been outside the way day.

I'm not angry with the fact that you are out. I'm just angry at the fact that for more than six hours of you being awake, you didn't bother to want to text me at all. You always pick up others calls almost immediately when you're awake. Why not mine? What if I was dying and called to say my last words? What if I'm lost somewhere and need help? Would you be there for me when I need you? Or do I have to gather all the strength I have left to go all the way over to look for you like I always do?

I do believe in the love you have for me. The love is there. But is the significance of my existence there?

Yesterday I got reprimanded for the way I was behaving. I'm not me when I'm with you. I am me and more than that because you are so special to me. You made me feel like an embarassment to you went you said that to me in public. It made me feel like I'm a fool cos I've been like this all along whenever we're out. I thought of the number of times I'm always like this, and though about the number of times you have already dislike it. I think I probably am an embarassment to you.

I hate myself. Not you. If you were to read this I bet you will definitely be thinking I hate you. But honestly, I don't at all. I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to meet your expectations, hate myself for being so useless and stupid, hate myself for not being able to show you how much I love you in actions because of the way I keep making stupid mistakes. I hate myself for not loving you enough, because if I do, why am I so stupid? I am so sorry. Terribly sorry. I'm a burden to you. I'm so sorry.

-

FUCKED UP. DUMB. STUPID.

FUCKED UP=ME

DUMB=ME

STUPID=ME

I HATE MYSELF

Roller Coaster.

Things have been a roller coaster ride these days. Lotsa ups and downs.
Honestly I never realize I don't like to work till now. Kinda fucked up.
Just started on my internship and I've been pretty bad. Discipline wise that is. Second week and I had three days mc. Cool huh? Sure cannot get A already. But fuck care luh. Whatever happens, happens.

I've been quarelling a lot with my boyfriend lately too. Its not good either. I feel like I don't really understand a lot of things in life. Though it may seem I do because of the way I talk I guess. I don't regret being with him. And I don't mind the hardship I will definitely face from now on just to be with him. But I'm just scared I can't pull through. Its not the kind of fairytale I always wanted. But it is the prince I always wanted. Hopefully love will pull us through everything. I'm kinda crying while writing this though.

I feel like I've also been influenced by a certain friend of mine lately. She's the kind who doesn't really worry bout her life and everything still seems perfectly fine for her. I feel like becoming a little like that just cause. Its like she can slack, sit back, relax and she's still alive after everything. Pretty amazing. I hate to admit it but I'm kinda slack these days because of her vibes I guess. I just wanna be carefree like that. But I know I can't.

Lastly, I think I'm kinda hopeless now. I'm unsure if I can last my two months of internship and the last semester of tertiary. I'm also unsure if I can last the six months of my baby's attachment and that whole entire month away. I feel like I'm really breaking down now. I need serious help. But who is there to help me?

Till then...


Love,
Bel

Never been happier (:

Its been a zillion years since I've posted something here. Been really busy with school and work(yep! i got a job (: ) lately. And, I had someone new and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious amazing in my life.

School's been busy because of a temendous amount of projects and reports. And, I'm trying to do my best as its my final year. Though I haven't been a good student academically, but I believe that I still have the chance to do what I can as its never too late(said by a special someone^^).

I've also found myself a part-time job at a club called Silk located @ Orchard Hotel. It's a really beautiful place and everyone there is just super awesome. I never love working this much before (:

Ohhh....
And the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious SPECIAL, NEW, AMAZING, AWESOME, SUPERDOOPERRAD someone is my boyfriend. Yes, I'm in love. (: He's really the most sweet, loving, awesome, amazing, caring person I've ever met and he always makes me smile. We got together on Independence Day (:


Just a short post.

Till next time (:



Love,
Bel